A few days ago, a friend
quoted her therapist as saying, "expectations
are like premeditated resentments." This
struck a note with me, and I thought I'd share
my musings on the matter. We all have had
certain expectations of ourselves, our children,
partners, friends, and the human race in
general. These expectations have extended
to institutions and government, as well.
And sure enough when our expectations have not
been met, we may become, dare I say it,
resentful on some level.
Let's break this down a
bit, starting with the self. When we set
unrealistic goals for ourselves, we may fool
ourselves into thinking we are creating an
opportunity to stretch and grow. This
might be partly true, yet in our highly
competitive society, this type of stretching is
fostering a culture of people with unhealthy
boundaries or no boundaries, perhaps a
dangerous precedent. We are afraid
to say "no," for fear another will get our job.
Saying "no" to our children brings with it the
fear that we will lose their love. Ditto
our partner. Families are unraveling,
social structures are breaking down.
Consumerism is so mainstream, even relationships
have become disposable. No wonder we feel
threatened! Few of us invest large amounts
of time to strengthen family and community
bonds. We simply don't have time
with the commitments we subject ourselves to.
And though I believe change is ultimately a good
thing, living in a high-tech world is
accelerating change beyond what many of us can
tolerate while remaining healthy and balanced.
In light of these considerations, the
expectations we have of ourselves can be quite
self defeating, in the long run. We
silently scold ourselves for not being enough,
not doing enough. Then we wonder why we
feel depressed and exhausted in the middle of
our lives (or sometimes sooner!), when after
raising a family and paying our dues, many of us
are at a point where we could instead begin to
explore our creative potential.
"Creativity!" we scoff, "who's got the energy
for it?"
Expectations for children
seem to be unrealistic as well. The
pressure children are under to compete
scholastically and athletically at
pre-collegiate levels is often appalling.
We might not outwardly resent our own children
(or be aware of it), yet we resent the
institutions, teachers, friends who are a "bad
influence" or others who seem to stand in the
way of our child meeting goals they themselves
have little say in formulating. This is
certainly something to think about, as a child
with no goals of her/his own will eventually
resent those who set him/her up for the fall.
Partners and friends fall
into a category of "significant others" for our
purposes here. They are those dear to us,
those we expect to be there for us, to
share our joys and to support us in times of
need. Yet no matter how intimate our
relationships, we can never fully know another,
never see through their eyes or feel what they
are feeling. To expect these significants to
share our perceptions of the world again
sets us up for resenting them when they fail to
meet those expectations. We are all, each and
every one, only human. Each of us has our
own foibles and follies. Whether we admit
it or not, we are all struggling in our own way
to find meaning in life. And most of us
really want to help others along the way,
especially those we love! Yet if we cannot
be fully present to ourselves, we can only be
marginally there for others. We may commit
a large portion of our lives serving
others, yet is this service truly selfless, or
do we harbor secret resentments due to others'
expectations of us? Ultimately if we do
not honor ourselves and our own needs and
dreams, our giving is short-changed. As
I've said many times, we cannot give from a dry
well.
Lastly, having compassion
for a race of humans that fails to meet even
reasonable expectations such as taking care of
the planet for successive generations is often a
difficult thing. Yet we all fall
short of our own and others' expectations, on a
fairly routine basis. Bitterness and resentment
may remain unspoken while firmly etched in our
facial features and knotted in our joints and
muscles. We can learn to relax and unknot
at any age or at any stage. Taking the
pressure to be perfect off ourselves gives us
permission to forgive others their
imperfections. Practicing loving kindness
starts with the self. If we can have the
courage to take the first step, others will
surely follow.
